Polyamory, with its focus on ethical and consensual non-monogamy, can be a rewarding and fulfilling relationship style. However, there are pitfalls to be aware of, such as unicorn hunting and objectification. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to recognize if you’re being unicorn hunted in polyamorous relationships and provide strategies to avoid being objectified.
Unicorn Hunting: What Is It?
Unicorn hunting refers to a situation where an established couple seeks a third person, often referred to as a “unicorn,” to join their relationship as a secondary partner. This practice can raise concerns if not handled ethically and respectfully. Here’s how to identify unicorn hunting:
1. You’re Treated as a “Toy”:
- If you feel like you’re being treated as an accessory or a novelty rather than an equal partner with your own needs and desires, you might be in a unicorn hunting scenario. E.g., A couple expects you to have sex with both of them, regardless of your interest or sexual orientation.
2. Rules Are Imposed on You:
- In unicorn hunting, the couple may set strict rules and boundaries for the third person, limiting their autonomy and decision-making power within the relationship. E.g., A couple forbids or discourages you from dating or having sex with anyone else, or says that you can’t interact with one of them alone.
3. Hierarchical Structure:
- Unicorn hunting often involves a hierarchical structure where the established couple holds primary status, and the third person is expected to accept a secondary role without the opportunity for their own primary relationships. E.g., Two people retain their identity as a couple, while you are referred to as “their” girlfriend, boyfriend, friend or otherwise, but categorize it as a “relationship”.
4. Limited Autonomy:
- If your autonomy and independence are compromised, and you feel pressured to prioritize the needs and desires of the couple over your own, it may indicate unicorn hunting. E.g., Criticizing your other relationships, so that you will question or end them, even if they are healthy.
Avoiding Unicorn Hunting:
To avoid being objectified and maintain healthy, respectful polyamorous relationships, consider the following:
1. Communication Is Key:
- Open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful polyamorous relationship. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and expectations clearly and ensure all parties involved are on the same page.
2. Autonomy and Equality:
- Ensure that all partners have equal standing within the relationship. Avoid hierarchical structures that prioritize one person or couple over others.
- Recognizing that each individual has the right to choose whom they date or commit to within and outside of an existing triad.
- No partner can tell another when to start or end other relationships.
3. Negotiate Boundaries Together:
- When establishing boundaries, involve all partners in the negotiation process. Respect each person’s comfort zones and consent.
4. Acknowledge Individual Needs:
- Recognize that each person in the relationship has their own unique needs, desires, and goals. Encourage autonomy and support personal growth.
5. Consent and Consent Again:
- Consent should be ongoing and can be revisited as circumstances change. Always ensure that all parties enthusiastically consent to any changes in the relationship dynamics.
Objectification in Polyamory: What to Watch For
Objectification occurs when an individual is reduced to an object for another person’s satisfaction rather than recognized as a fully autonomous and equal partner. Here are signs to watch for:
1. Feeling Disregarded:
- If you feel your thoughts, feelings, or boundaries are disregarded or dismissed in favor of someone else’s desires, you might be experiencing objectification.
2. Being Fetishized:
- Objectification can involve being fetishized based on aspects of your identity, such as race, gender, or sexual orientation, rather than being valued for your whole self.
3. Pressure to Conform:
- If you’re pressured to conform to someone else’s expectations or to fit a specific role rather than being allowed to express your authentic self, it’s a sign of objectification.
4. Unequal Power Dynamics:
- Unequal power dynamics, where one person holds more control or influence in the relationship, can lead to objectification.
Avoiding Objectification:
To avoid being objectified in polyamorous relationships, consider the following:
1. Know Your Worth:
- Recognize your intrinsic value as an individual and demand respect for your boundaries and autonomy.
2. Speak Up:
- If you feel objectified or uncomfortable in a relationship, communicate your feelings with your partner(s) and advocate for your needs.
3. Educate and Empower:
- Educate yourself about healthy polyamorous dynamics and boundaries to empower yourself in navigating respectful relationships.
4. Choose Partners Wisely:
- Be selective about the partners you engage with, and prioritize relationships with those who value and respect your autonomy.
Building Respectful Polyamorous Relationships
Polyamory offers the potential for fulfilling and respectful relationships when built on a foundation of communication, consent, and autonomy. Recognizing unicorn hunting and objectification is crucial for maintaining healthy connections. By prioritizing equality, individuality, and open dialogue, you can enjoy the benefits of polyamory while fostering respectful and meaningful relationships.