Love bombing. You’ve probably heard the term tossed around in conversations about toxic relationships, but what does it really mean—especially in the context of polyamory?
I’m polyamorous. And I’ve love bombed.
Not maliciously. Not manipulatively. But impulsively, earnestly, and without the tools to regulate how I express connection. The intensity felt sincere because it was sincere—but it wasn’t always healthy.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is the act of overwhelming someone with affection, attention, and praise in the early stages of a relationship. It can feel euphoric at first—like a whirlwind romance. But when that intensity outpaces authentic emotional attunement or mutual pacing, it can leave others disoriented, pressured, or hurt.
In its most toxic form, love bombing is used as a manipulative tactic to gain control. But even well-meaning people—like me—can love bomb without realizing it. Especially in polyamory, where deep connections and fast intimacy are often celebrated, the line between enthusiastic affection and overwhelming intensity can blur fast.
Authors like Dr. Ramani Durvasula (in Should I Stay or Should I Go?) and Shahida Arabi (Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare) explore love bombing as part of abusive cycles, particularly in narcissistic relationships. While most books center monogamous dynamics, polyamorous discussions around emotional pacing and love bombing are starting to show up more in forums, podcasts, and essays by thinkers like Jessica Fern (Polysecure)—a must-read for understanding attachment in non-monogamy.
Though Fern doesn’t use the term “love bombing” directly, her exploration of attachment wounding in polyamory is vital context for how trauma and insecure attachment styles can lead us to overextend early intimacy—even with good intentions.
Why Poly Folks May Be Especially Prone
In polyamorous communities, many of us are practiced in emotional openness. We talk about love, desires, boundaries, compersion. We have vocabularies and frameworks that help us form connections quickly. But that same fluency can also lead to fast escalations that outpace trust or emotional safety.
Add to that the thrill of new connection (NRE—new relationship energy), and it’s easy to unintentionally overwhelm someone. Especially if they’re new to polyamory or still finding their footing.
How I’ve Love Bombed
- Texting constantly, thinking I was just being attentive
- Sharing my vulnerabilities too fast, and assuming reciprocal disclosure meant we were there
- Talking about long-term compatibility a few months into a relationship
Even though these actions came from excitement, they didn’t always center the other person’s needs or pace. And that’s the key.
How I’m Learning to Stop
- Check the Pace: I now ask early on, “How do you like to get to know someone?” It helps set a tone of mutual consent around emotional intensity.
- Ground in Curiosity: Instead of offering affirmations too soon, I ask more questions. Not everything needs a response in the form of praise or planning.
- Create Space: I let there be pauses. Days between messages. Room to reflect. It’s not disinterest—it’s respect.
- Welcome Feedback: I tell new partners, “If I ever come on too strong, you can let me know.” It’s a way to build trust and demonstrate emotional maturity.
What I’d Tell Other Recovering Love Bombers
- Intent doesn’t erase impact.
- Your excitement is beautiful, but it’s not more important than someone else’s comfort.
- You’re not bad—you’re learning.
- You can love people better, and more sustainably, by pacing with them.
Toward Healthier Polyamory
Love should never feel like pressure. And polyamory, at its best, offers us tools for consensual, intentional, emotionally attuned relationships.
So here’s to deep love—with grounded roots.
To wild passion—with mutual pacing.
To intensity—with consent.
Let’s stop love bombing—and start love building.
Recommended Reading
- Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy – An essential book on attachment theory within polyamorous contexts.
- Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist – Includes an in-depth look at manipulative love bombing dynamics.
- Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare – Offers insight into trauma bonding and how love bombing can create unhealthy emotional ties.
- Andrea V. Ritchie, Invisible No More: Police Violence Against Black Women and Women of Color – While not about love bombing, this book is a powerful resource on racial honesty and the importance of sharing truth early and often in relationships.
- Rachel Kramer Bussel (Editor), Best Sex Writing of the Year series – Many anthologies include essays that touch on polyamory, consent, and relational pacing.
- Meg-John Barker & Julia Scheele, Queer: A Graphic History – Offers critical context on identity, relationships, and how our social worlds shape emotional expression.