Polyamory, an increasingly recognized form of consensual non-monogamy, celebrates the freedom to form multiple romantic and emotional connections simultaneously. However, within the polyamorous community, a practice known as “unicorn hunting” has garnered attention, and it often runs counter to the principles of ethical non-monogamy. In this blog post, we’ll explore what unicorn hunting is, why it’s not compatible with polyamory, and the potential pitfalls it can create.
Understanding Unicorn Hunting
Unicorn hunting refers to a specific scenario in the realm of polyamory where an established couple seeks to find a single bisexual woman to join their relationship as a secondary partner. This individual is often referred to as the “unicorn” because they are perceived as rare and elusive, much like the mythical creature.
While the idea of forming a triad or closed polyamorous relationship may seem appealing to some, unicorn hunting comes with a host of ethical and practical challenges that can be detrimental to all parties involved.
Why Unicorn Hunting Clashes with Polyamory
Objectification: One of the fundamental principles of ethical non-monogamy, including polyamory, is treating all partners as autonomous individuals with their own desires, feelings, and agency. Unicorn hunting often objectifies the “unicorn,” viewing them as a means to fulfill the existing couple’s desires rather than as a fully equal partner.
- Inequality: In a unicorn hunting scenario, the existing couple typically holds more power and control within the relationship. This unequal dynamic can lead to feelings of exclusion, jealousy, and resentment, ultimately undermining the foundations of a healthy and equitable polyamorous relationship.
- Pressure and Expectations: Unicorns may experience immense pressure to conform to the desires and expectations of the existing couple. They may be expected to fit a predefined role within the relationship, which can stifle their autonomy and individuality.
- Lack of Autonomy: In unicorn hunting, the “unicorn” often has limited agency in forming additional connections outside the existing couple. This restriction contradicts the fundamental polyamorous principle of autonomy, where each partner is free to pursue their own relationships independently.
- Failure to Recognize Complexity: Unicorn hunting simplifies the complexities of human emotions and relationships. It assumes that all parties will naturally align and experience equal levels of affection, which may not be the case. This oversimplification can lead to misunderstandings and emotional turmoil.
- In ethical non-monogamy, each person explores the possibility of a relationship and no one is obligated to date or commit to all parties. In fact, if a member of the pre-existing couple connects with the new person, they pursue a relationship, even if their existing partner chooses not to, or the new party is not interested in them as well.
- Only once all parties agree there is mutual interest, should there be an attempt to form a triad. Even still, each person should continue to date the others, independently as well as a group. Pre-existing couples no longer prioritize each other. Everyone is considered equal in the triad relationship.
Why Decoupling Matters for Pre-Existing Couples
When a pre-existing couple decides to explore polyamory and form relationships with other people, the concept of decoupling becomes even more crucial. Here’s why:
- Avoiding Hierarchical Structures: Decoupling challenges hierarchical structures within polyamorous relationships. While it’s natural for pre-existing couples to have a strong bond, treating other partners as equals rather than secondary or tertiary can foster healthier connections.
- Minimizing Power Imbalances: Decoupling reduces the potential for power imbalances within the relationship network. Treating all individuals with equal respect and autonomy helps prevent one partner from holding disproportionate control or influence.
- Promoting Open & Equitable Communication: Independent dating encourages open communication among all partners—regular check-ins, honest discussions about boundaries, and consent-seeking become essential components of fostering healthy relationships.
A More Ethical Approach to Polyamory
Polyamory thrives when built on principles of respect, consent, and autonomy. Instead of unicorn hunting, those interested in polyamory should focus on:
- Autonomy: Embracing each partner’s autonomy to form relationships that align with their desires and needs.
- Equity: Treating all partners with equality and respect, recognizing their individual worth.
- Consent: Ensuring all parties consent to the relationship dynamics and feel comfortable with the evolving connections.
In conclusion, unicorn hunting, with its objectification and unequal power dynamics, is not compatible with the principles of ethical polyamory. Embracing autonomy, open communication, and respect for all partners creates the foundation for healthy and fulfilling polyamorous relationships, allowing each individual to flourish in their unique journey of love and connection.